Homeward Bound Sitting Next to the Devil Child 4/5/11

Up early as hell again and headed to Hong Kong. We had an 8 hour layover so we left the airport and took the super easy MTR to the city. I had all I could take in the same 4 day old clothes so I went shopping- sort of. I could barely walk since I had 3 blisters on my feet- under them I should say. I sucked up the pain and purchased some light pants to cover up my horrendous legs and long sleeves since it was a little chilly. I ended up losing Andy and chilled in the city park by the botanical gardens for a bit. It's interesting that tons of Filipino women sit in the walkway overpasses in Hong Kong. They all pull out cardboard boxes and sing, pray, knit, dance, and talk.

Andy and I didn't get to sit next to each other on the 12 hour flight home since we got the last two tickets to Vancouver. I was watching the people board the plane wondering who I was going to sit next to. I had a fucking center seat so I knew it wasn't going to be good. I saw a lady with a child and though, wouldn't it be funny if I ended up next to her? Well of course I did! This kid cried, pulled my hair, and I just gave it dirty looks hoping I would scare it and it would leave me alone. It didn't and it's mom thought she could change his diaper in the seat and use my tray table as her own. Not what I was willing to put up with at that point in the trip. Thank god I paid a ton of $$ for cheap headphone just so I could watch 5 movies. The sleeping pills and Xanax we had on the way out were in my backpack that I no longer had possession of so I slept for maybe 2 hours. I got my movie fix in though. The flight to SFO was delayed an hour- super- but we finally made it home and it felt awesome.

Bangkok is an Awesome City 4/4/11

Up at the ass crack of dawn and Andy is bargaining for a taxi ride to the airport. I wasn't in the mood and we ended up getting a taxi for the same price we could have had with one we reserved. Oh well, it's part of the experience right? Off to Bangkok for the lastish leg of the tour.

Bangkok is amazing. We dropped off our stuff (well Andy's stuff) at the hotel La Residence and took a fabulous shower then headed out to see what we could see. We took a boat ride down the Chao Praya to West of the city. We first hit up the largest reclining Buddha in the world- it was a short visit since I was pretty much done with temples. I did however participate in putting a coin in the line of bowls along the Buddha for good luck. Two of the coins dropped on the floor- think that says something about me?

We then walked through the flower, vegetable, and electronics market where Andy was in heaven. We saw fish drying in the sun and other fabulous smells.

We finally hit up the street food. We had pork soup with shrimp balls, meat on a stick with sticky rice, little pastry-type things with coconut, fried plantains, and lots of water. My feet were killing me since I was walking around in flip-flops made of leather and it was crazy humid out. I took one for my man and walked back to the electronics market so he could get his cheap LED lights- bulbs and a waterproof roll.

We were so tired so we headed back to the hotel for a quick shower before dinner. Dinner consisted of an app of leaves wrapped around peanuts/shrimp/spices, Phad Thai, and crab fried rice. I love Thai food. We then headed to the night market which no longer existed unfortunately. There went my chance for new clean clothes.

I tried to bargain at the local market but the hawkers acted like their stuff wasn't cheap! I couldn't believe foreigners have paid sooo much over the years hawkers won't even give you a real price. I told some chick I would pay her ~$2 for cheap ass flip-flops. She said are you kidding? They are blah-blah brand. I said do you think I'm stupid? Look at this flaw! She took them out of my hand and I was done with bargaining. It was time for bed for another early flight to Hong Kong. The trip was sadly coming to an end.

The Russian Mafia Doesn't Respect Sea Turtles 4/3/11

Today we did 3 dives before we left early afternoon. The morning dive was nice way to wake up. While we ate breakfast the Russian Mafia decided to go swimming with the sea turtle. At first they fed the turtle bananas from the boat which apparently happens often and is OK by the dive crew. Then they decided to jump in and catch a ride with the poor animal. One of the DM's started yelling at them telling them to stop touching the animal. They did for a bit but started riding it again. This pissed off the DM chick so bad she was yelling telling them to get out of the water. Of course they knew they what they were doing. Clinton asked of the Russian girls to tell them to stop. She just shook her head and then turned away and said nothing. Unfuckingbelievable. They finally got out but not because anyone told them to. I was hoping the turtle would bite the shit out of him. The dives were fun, but my back kept cramping while I was diving which caused me so much pain I was ready to be done.

We got back to the dock sans my backpack (did I mention I got a free T-shirt because of it? wow) and the van took us back to Patong. We only went there because we have an early flight to Bangkok. We found a hotel for 800 Bhat and took a wonderful shower (although I had to get back into the same dirty clothes) before heading out to dinner. For dinner went went to a small street where I had more delicious Thai food. We were tired but happy to be on land. We did a quick walk around to see the dirty men with their Thai girls, dirty boys with their Thai girls, and dirty boys with their Thai boys. Good times were had by some that night.

And Then There Was One Backpack 4/2/11

Woke up at 630 so I could try to get online to talk to Harriet. It didn’t work so I called instead, we had some coffee from 7-11, and waited for the minibus to arrive. While we waited for a breakfast place to open, there was a stray dog hanging out with us- super friendly. We caught the minibus to the harbor where the Thai Navy resides and we caught a speed boat to the dive boat. We immediately did our first dive. The visibility wasn’t the best but it was still beautiful. All the fish and plant life were amazing. We eventually noticed my backpack wasn’t in the same area as Andy’s, but didn’t make a big deal about it until it was time for us to go to our rooms and my bag was nowhere to be found. How does that even happen? Am I the only person who never got theirs back? This system has always worked for them in the past? Andy even asked the guys at the harbor if we should carry our bags on board- they said no they’ve got it. Our dive master (Clinton- hot 25 Aussie with dreads) said it’s either on the speedboat taking the people back to the harbor (which I didn’t think it was) or on the other boat which was going to heading north later that day. It wasn’t a big deal until we found out the boat had already left and my bag wasn’t going to be back until Monday evening (and we are heading to Bangkok that morning). I wasn’t freaking out, but we told them they needed to ship my bag back to the US since we were leaving in a couple days. The tour leader Adam didn’t act like the owner of the company was going to ship my bag back, not like there’s any other possible solution. Anyways, we did a night dive which was very cool. I love night dives, I feel like I'm in outer space (whatever that might feel like). All the animals in the ocean were sleeping but it was still a cool experience. In all we did 4 dives and they were all pretty amazing.

Sleeping in the boat sucked. Andy passed out as soon as he hit the bed like he usually does- in the other twin bed. My legs were itching so much I couldn't stop scratching. The boat was rocking back and forth so my feet and head took turns going up and down. To make things better, someone left the door open upstairs so it slammed each time the boat moved- for hours and hours. My back hurt, I barely slept. Tomorrow is another day and I'll be sleeping on land.

Second Hangover and I'm in a Crowded Bus 4/1/11

Woke up at 830 to catch the first longtail back to Ao Nang. We had to wait a bit for enough people to show up so the longtail would leave. It was me, Andy, a chick from the US who had been working in Tonsai for a bit, an old hippie British dude, then two girls from SF. One of the girls was not happy because “someone” told them to show up at 9 to catch a ferry to Phi Phi. The local gals said sorry, there’s no ferry to Phi Phi so tuff luck. The girl from SF refused to believe her and they debated the situation for a bit- the SF girl was a huge bitch and wouldn’t shut up- arguing with the longtail drivers.

We hit Ao Nang and took the local minibus for 50 Bhat to Krabi and went directly to the bus station vs 500 Bhat the other dudes were trying to sell us. At the bus station we took a bus to Khao Lak with a quick layover in Koh Koi (a small town) where we waiting along the road for the bus to Khao Lak. I was a bit hung over and the bus ride didn’t help. The first bus Andy sat in the aisle and I sat on the staircase while we listened to terrible Thai music. For some reason all the songs are about a bad relationship, a guy cheating on a girl, or a girl getting into a car accident and the dude cheating on her. I was about to lose my shit and then we hit the second bus which was not much better. We stood for a bit smashed between Tahi Navy and Army dudes. Then I sat the rest of the way with my ass half off the seat which didn’t feel good.

We finally made it to Khao Lak, hungover and hungry. We walked down a road where we found a decent hotel for 700 Bhat. We took a much needed shower and headed out for food. We had Pad Thai, spring rolls, and cashew chicken- delish! We walked around the town, bought some fruit, walked down along the beach, back up through an amazing resort, then had dinner which consisted of Tom Yum soup and pizza. I was exhausted (after seeing a fat German dude with his shirt unbuttoned having dinner with a Tahi woman) and learning about my Grandpa’s passing away from Harriet’s email. We called it a night to get ready for our scuba trip the next morning.

Fearing Death and Other Good Times at the Backpacker Bungalows 3/31/11

Woke up in Phi Phi and headed for the ferry to get off the island. I love it how no one really knows if there's a ferry or not. Two out of three for yes so we're going for it.

We took a ferry to Krabi, met two gals from Canada and a dude who burned the shit out of himself. He was really red after laying out for 20 minutes, I can't imagine what kind of damage he did to himself. We then took a minibus to Ao Nang which led to a longtail

to Railay and finally another longtail to Tonsai (a rock climbing community). Railay and Tonsai are on the same island but a cliff (when the tide is in)/sharp rocks (when the tide is out) separate the two. I wasn't quite ready for that hike so we took the easy route while we could.

It was dumping rain (42 inches in two days) so we had a beer and decided to stay in Tonsai for 200 Bhat where we stayed in a bungalow with only a thin mattress and a mosquito net. We then walked over to Railay and I hurt my foot on the razor-sharp rocks. I told Andy I didn't want to walk back after dinner- he said sure we’ll take a longtail back. We had fried mushrooms and chicken satay and beers for apps then continued to dinner where we had a fresh seafood dinner- several tiger prawns, clams (Venus Shells), and seabass. The seafood was good but for some reason the apps were better. Maybe all the fried food I had been eating lately?? Walking back after dinner,

there were no taxis so we had to hoof it. As we were walking back to Tonsai, we saw a local who was also walking back with his son. He asked Tonsai? We said yes and were very happy to have a guide. He asked if we had a light and luckily Andy’s camera had a semi-light- an LED feature used for macro shots. We didn’t go the ocean route as it’s very dangerous to cross the high tide against those extremely sharp rocks. Instead he took us up and over. Up as in scaling large slippery rock in the dark, hardly knowing what I was putting my hand on unless Andy was illuminating my way- which he did very well because he knew I would kill him. It was pretty hairy. When the son paused up ahead I knew we were in for a treat. I thought we were in the clear and then we hit a waterfall. We had to shimmy down a crack and across a waterfall and slippery rocks in the dark. After we walked across the “beach” against the rocks because of high tide, we had to cross a “river” over a log. All was well once again.

We stopped at the first bar we found as we needed a drink ASAP. I kicked Andy's ass at some Connect 4. The bar was playing reggae and we hung out with two Americas (she was from VA and he was from TX) who were both teaching English in Bangkok. They were cool, we drank and I played with the tennis balls on a string thing. I did OK- no major damage; Andy on the other hand was doing well until he smacked himself in the throat (which I unfortunately missed) and that was it for him. We had Thai whiskey shots (not too bad) and Andy beat the Tonsai Jenga champion. During the first game the dude asked Andy if he knew architecture taunting him- the second game they played very well, the tower was tall, then Andy won. We smoked in one of the local’s bungalow. The girl spoke a little Thai so she and the local hit it off. She had a spliff and then the local unwrapped it so we could smoke out of his bong. She tried to tell him there was already tobacco in it, but it apparently didn’t believe her because he put more tobacco in it. I could not take a huge bong hit of tobacco- it was small but I still got a buzz. We went to bed around midnight. The bugs were out in full force making the loudest fucking noise I’ve heard in nature. They didn’t stop all night. It was a little hard to sleep but I was exhausted from travelling and our little adventures.

Puffer Fish & Fire Ants

The weather decided to give us a break today but not let us off the island. Since we weren't able to leave, we made the best of it and went on a scuba excursion- my first warm water and boat dive. Since I've only been diving in Monterey, it was hard for me to believe an ocean could be warm, especially only in a shortie. We headed out over the huge waves and made our first dive where there was an artificial reef. It was so warm and beautiful! We saw puffer fish, lion fish, blue spotted porcupine fish, little Nemo's, and scorpion fish. On our way to the next dive the ocean was really kickin and these two girls on the boat with us got sick. Andy and I pulled through and dove the second dive- little visibility but it was still very cool- the Tsunami Memorial site. Our Belgium Dive Master Jan was cool, traveling the world by diving- not a bad way to live.

We headed back to Koh Phi Phi and took a journey to find the vista point. Along the way Andy met a new friend, a kitty with a fucked up tail (all cats here have fucked up tails). This cat was so little (smaller than Little Kitty and louder than her too) and wouldn't leave Andy alone. She followed right behind in for 30 ft or so. If it was possible Andy would have take her home with us.

We continued on our journey for the vista point. We knew we were going the wrong way but we were heading up so we figured it was in the same vicinity at least. Andy led the way and I followed behind in my flip-flops and skirt. What was a path turned into a trail. When I say trail I mean at some point in time a couple humans/animals did walk on this path. It was not easy, and the mosquitoes and fire ants loved my legs- those bastards hurt! Up we continued, I took the lead until a black small animal scurried off slowly and scared the shit out of me. We're in the jungle here people. Andy took the lead back and I announced I was going to hate him in 15 minutes. Just in time we hit a larger trail. When I say larger trail I mean one that I'm not

fighting shrubs and stinging insects. We hit a vista point- not the vista point- but ours was much better because we were the only ones there. You could see all the way to Koh Lanta and the mainland. We drank Singha's, ate Pringles, and made our way back (the easy way) to find a hotel since the only ferries leaving the island were for Phuket.

The day was long and full of adventure. We ate some more pizza and pineapple with the sugar/spice rub and went to bed. Ready for another island tomorrow- hopefully we can get out of here.

I'm Not an American

We made it to Thailand and this place isn't as warm and humid as Andy made it sound. In fact, while we took the ferry from Phuket to the Phi Phi Islands, the rain pelting my face was rather like ice cycles than warm beads of moisture. Oh well, you can't expect the weather to always work out for you. The ride was actually relaxing as the boat swayed side to side. I'm not sure if I would have felt the same way if I didn't take the motion sickness pill, but it felt like we were swinging in a hammock. We finally made it to the islands where we ate some delicious green curry, spring rolls, and beer for lunch and decided fuck this weather, we're going in the water!

The walk to the beach in itself was horrid and doesn't deserve much space other than me saying that I froze my ass off from the wind while we dodged palm branches from falling on our heads. The water was warmer than the air but impossible to swim in. The motion sickness pill still took it's effect on me so I needed a nap. After watching the 2nd half of the Machinist (how could Christian Bale ever get that skinny in a healthy way?) I took and nap and was ready for round 2. It was still raining so it was time for some foot massages, an hour foot massage for $40.

Then of course we had to try the other local beers: Tiger (shitty) and Cheru (OK). After pizza and me taking the USA citizenship quiz and failing (actually I got 75% which is passing I'm sure- that shit is HARD since it's fill in the blank!!) we decided to plan a scuba trip for the following day since boats haven't been able to make it to Koh Lanta the last couple days and I don't really want to be stuck on an island the rest of my vaca. Wish me luck tomorrow- first warm water scuba dive- it HAS to be better than Monterey right??!!

An Awesome Way to Leave China

Another day on our own and Hong Kong is a great way to end our trip in China. Yes it's a city and very modern, not something I particularly look for in a vacation, but after almost 2 weeks traveling with bitching people, no sun, constant pollution/overcast, not so great food, the city was awesome.

We ate our last free breakfast in the hotel and checked out. Left out bags behind and headed for the southern part of Hong Kong called Repulse Bay and Stanley Market. We took a bus and who did we run into? Only some dude from West by God Virginia and my hometown nonetheless! Funny how those run-ins happen. We talked about WV, WVU, football, and the usual items fellow Mountaineers discuss when running into each other in random countries.

Southern Hong Kong is beautiful. It's mountainous and full of trails, beaches, and amazing homes (including Jackie Chan's castle). The market was just another market so we spend some time at the beach, soaking our feet in the South China Sea. The water felt so nice, chilly but nothing compared to CA's beaches. Next we hiked (almost ran) to the top of one of the mountains (3k feet) overlooking all of southern Hong Kong. The water was blue, the sun was out, and exercise felt good!

Next was time for some Dim Sum. Yes, we went to a restaurant from Lonely Planet (don't you judge me!) but we were short on time and wanted some damn Dim Sum (it's actually not THAT easy to come by). We ate a ton as we Americans do. The ladies had an odd look in their face when we kept asking them to come over- hehe. Shut your mouth, we just ran up a damn mountain so we were starving. The food was amazing and a perfect end to our last day in China. While we were waiting for the hotel bus to pick us up, a little Australian kid came us and started talked to me.

This point of the story really has no relevance besides I don't want to forget about him since he was so cute and his accent made me want to steal him. We made it to the airport with lots of time to mail our 4 jackets to the US for $50 and use the wonderful tool you call the internet. Hong Kong's airport connection is faster than an ethernet cable in mainland China- go figure!

Next stop- Phuket!

Hong Kong- The Land of Google & FB 3/17/11

Yes we have arrived! God bless this little special economic zone! I don't NEED Google and FB, but it does feel nice to have the ability to access them- not to mention the internet connection speed fucking sucks in mainland China! That in itself is enough to make people not want to use it- worse than dial up my brotha.

Getting out of China was hell. Waited for 2 hours to go through immigration out of China, and only 10 minutes to get into Hong Kong. Everyone on the bus (except Andy and I) were bitching so we knew we had to get away ASAP. We went directly to the hotel and that was the last we saw the group. Woot!

We took the hotel shuttle to the metro (MTR) and headed for Hong Kong island since we were staying in Kowloon. We walked around and found SoHo, and trendy area with lots of boutiques and excellent restaurants. Hungry from all the bitching we had to listen to, we stopped in a Vietnamese restaurant and had some fried soft shell crab and spring rolls. The food was BOMB- and not only because it wasn't fried Chinese food. We walked around, enjoying our freedom and did some people watching while we had another beer. We saw a couple fashion shoots and people pushing their dog around in a fucking stroller. Love it.

Andy was looking rough so he got a haircut. We couldn't find a picture of the haircut he wanted but he went for it anyways. This is the city, how bad could it look? His mo-hawk looked awesome- another satisfied customer. Dinner consisted of a sampling of sake, beer, and sushi. The sushi was OK, didn't compare to Fremont (no sarcasm here). We missed the hotel shuttle back so we decided to walk it. Not a good idea since Kowloon isn't laid out in a grid and there are lots of dead ends. After 2 hours of drunken walking we caved and took a cab. What an awesome day!

The Yellow Ones are Good for Eating 3/26/11

Woke up to a good breakfast and headed to another boat trip! We weren’t going to go with the group but we read the destination was worth the hassle. Hour bus ride then a 4 fucking hour boat trip down the Li River. The ride was beautiful but I was at my limit with rivers and having to use pop art to make everything look greener. The ride wasn’t completely boring as we tried snake wine (tasted like vodka) and >>> (very smooth but too sweet). We arrived in Yangshuo

and it was beautiful with lots of hawkers. They aren’t an issue with us, but the people we are with are retarded so we waited for them while they paid ridiculous amounts for junk that they think are quality.

We were ready to run out on our own but the group was getting into another bus. I was told we were going to Yangshuo so we got in the bus not sure what was going on. We quickly realized we had been duped when they took us to the Chinese’s government building for “health care”- translation: bring foreigners here so we can get them to spend a retarded amount of money of “stones” and we can tell them it will cure them. Haha stupid foreigners! Andy almost lost his shit so we told them we’re not going inside but going to walk around. There wasn’t much to see but it was better than sitting inside listening to bullshit. We came back after our walk and Andy told the tour guide we are not sitting through more of this shit and we’re leaving. We took off and it was awesome. The town is beautiful- what I thought (hoping) China would be like. Little shops, beautiful mountains in the background, and hawkers everywhere. We thought it was time for a little R&R after walking around for a bit so we grabbed some beers and pizza from an upstairs restaurant looking out onto the market. Earlier our tour guide told us the yellow dogs are bred to eat and the other dogs are pets. We though she was half joking until we saw a rotisserie with little puppy looking meat on it- and we thought she was joking...

We wanted to catch the earlier bus back to Guilin so we could do another walkthrough for dumplings. We “knew” where we were going but had to run to make sure we were left behind. It’s not a trip unless you run for at least once for transportation. We had to use the bathroom so bad, I was contemplating how I could pee standing up and get away with it. We made it in time, bought some more beers for the ride home.

After a couple hour bus ride we made it to the market streets of Guilin. We hadn’t eaten or seen many places with dumplings so we were on a mission from the Lonely Planet book. We must have walked in circles for 40 min and then we realized the place must no longer be there, or we were just too dumb to figure it out. We ended up in an awesome little restaurant upstairs had some dumplings and beer. The menu said 1.8Yuan for 1 piece for the dumplings. Andy told the waiter we would have 2 because we were confused, we knew that was too much for 1 dumpling. He shook his head no so we got just one- good thing since because the “one” was 20 pieces and they were delicious. The bill was only 31Yuan ($5) for the food and two large beers!! So amazing, I just wish we would have been eating out on our own this whole time. Oh well, we have another week ahead of us on our own. Back to bed for a 445 wake up call.

Doing Our Part to Destroy Culture 3/25/11

Woke up at the ass crack of dawn to catch a flight to Guilin. I like to wake up early and travel because I sleep the whole way. We went to the mountains to go to the Longji rice terrace fields where the Zhuang minority tribe lives. It was amazing and we finally got a little freedom. We hopped on a smaller bus since the roads were narrow. Along the way there were dogs and Andy commented on how I care more about the dogs than the people. As soon as he said that a motorcycle heading in our direction crashed! No shit! The chick on the back freaked out when she saw the bus and leaned which caused the dude driving the bike to fall off. They both skidded on the ground and she hit her head on some wood. They both got up and appeared to be OK, him more than her, but we continued on after that bit of excitement.

At the top of the mountain we had lunch which consisted of rice cooked in bamboo, fried sardines, and beer. By this point Andy was very comfortable asking for more beer with each meal. When we reached our destination Andy and I took off for our hike to the “7 Stars with the Moon” and “9 Dragons and the 5 Tigers” lookout points. The view was amazing and it felt good to get out and move. We were under a time constraint so we had to so a relay picture race down the mountain. It works by Andy taking a pic of me, then he runs down the mountain so I can take a pic of him, then so on. On our way out the group stopped by the tourist center so we could buy some crap. Pamela from our group bought a bag made from animal hide. She thought it was a hyena or leopard or some shit, we made her realize it was one of the dogs she was petting earlier and good luck getting that into the US. These people think they are getting bargains because they talked the seller down 50%. How do they not realize all of it’s crap and fucking made in China? It’s funny to watch them make those mistakes although it makes it harder for the rest of us to buy stuff at a reasonable price. Off to dinner and our hotel, a real 5 star hotel. We walked around the streets afterwards to walk off the onion rings and other sweeten/fried food we ate. I feel gross just typing about it.

Road Trip From Hell 3/24/11

We got off the boat today, but not until we stopped by the 3 Gorges Dam- the largest…

Back on the bus for an hour ride and went to a museum to see a mummy and a freaking old wall. Back on the bus for a 4 hour bus ride to Wuhan. The ride was long but there were lots of beautiful mustard fields. We heard they were rape seeds and they make oil but I’m not sure about that. There was a lot of construction so the roads were bumpy. Everyone (except me) was so cranky there were a couple melt downs. We ate at a cool restaurant that would have been fun to stay for a bit. There were lots of people partying and army dudes getting hammered. On our way out these girls saw Andy and smiled and waved and yoohooed at him like he was a little puppy. I had so much energy I was going to explode, but tried to lay down on the rock-hard bed with my head on the rice pillow- so much for the 5 stars in this Best Western.

Hangover #1 and I'm on a Damn Ship 3/23/11

I woke up feeling good which was surprising since we drank a bottle of vodka, beer, and sweet bubbly wine. We only had 30 min to walk around a little port town before we continued down the Yangtze to go on a smaller boat ride down the gorges. We hopped on a tug boat then onto smaller rickety boats. They were definitely questionable- you could see the water on the floor of the boat. The pictures of the tour showed guys pulling boat along the river in their bare asses- we had none of that. The locals paddled down the river so we could see more of the same gorges. Then they pulled us along the bank so we could experience what it was like back in the day when it was too shallow to paddle- not really the same affect but whatever. On the way back there was a hanging coffin on a vertical ledge- no idea how they got that there.

We came back for dinner and my head was kickin. I went to the clinic to get some aspirin and the Dr. convinced me to get acupuncture. He stuck some needles in my leg and left me there wondering how long I was going to lay there. Another dude came in and gave my head a massage. I got up feeling a little bit better. I still had a headache which was amplified when they charged me 620 Yuan ($100). WTF? There I was pissed, hungover, tired of being pushed around (literally), wanting some good food, and cranky as hell. Before I passed out for the evening we came to the 3 Gorges Dam and the boat went through the first of the five locks. It’s so massive- very impressive to watch. They fit 6 huge ships in one lock and remove the water so we were lowered 20 meters in 8 minutes. Enough excitement for one day.

Snowy Jade Cave BS 3/22/11

Fill in info about the snowy Jade cave excursion.

Back to the ship for lunch and then we sailed. The whole afternoon/evening on the boat- time to imbibe. We cruised down the Yangtze sippin on our vodka 7up cocktails. Andy lit a fire in his ass and decided to cause trouble. There’s a communication barrier with the ladies at the front desk. Nonetheless, he wanted spicy peanuts and was going to get the peppers. The ladies didn’t understand what he was asking for so he said he wasn’t going to leave until he got some peppers. They called the assistant hotel manager. He apparently just woke up, not in a good mood. He said to the girls…

Feeling good, we decided to interact with the rest of our group and headed upstairs for the welcome party and cabaret show. We sat in the back with our small crew, playing our ipod and having a good time. The show consisted of the employees dancing which turned into everyone dancing (the Macarena, chicken dance, the usual stuff), then Mini Mouse and a panda showed up- not sure where that came from. We missed dinner which really didn’t matter since it was the same crap food as lunch. A fun night overall- I’m going to pay for it in the morning.

Chongqing and the Deluxe River Cruise (Oxymoron) 3/21/11

Woke up ass early at 530 to make a 9 flight since traffic is stupid in Beijing. The wind was picking up, I was glad to move on to our next journey so we wouldn’t get stuck in a sand storm. It was raining when we arrived in Chongqing which was welcomed after Beijing. The city is really beautiful- hilly and lush in the fog. At night all the lights on the buildings are turned on and it’s like Vegas. There are 5500 high rises in this city of 32MM- pretty amazing. We stopped in a market to get guo jiao (Sechuan peppers). I dropped a bag of peanut and it exploded everywhere. Five ladies came over to clean it up and were talking to me like I had a clue what they were saying. Time for the river cruise- we have the vodka so we’re ready to go.

The Great Wall in Heals & a Skirt 3/20/11

Woke up, swam, ate a ton at breakfast then headed with the group to the Great Wall. Along the way we made a stop at the Jade Museum so all the foreigners could spend their money. It was painful but we pulled through (and apparently Chinglish isn’t derogatory as the tour guide used it several times). We arrived at the Great Wall and waited outside the bus for the group. These Chinese ladies were laughing at us so Andy stood beside them, started stretching, and made them really uncomfortable. That shut them up. Apparently we’re amusing to the locals because “we have large noses”- no shit, first time I’ve heard that one. The Great Wall was amazing. I was prepared to meet up with our friend afterwards so I wore clothes that were not optimal for climbing steep stairs. We had an hour so Andy and I decided to go the steep route since it was less busy. Damn those stairs were steep. There I was, American girl, high heel boots and a skirt. So many people were talking shit, but I passed them all. The pollution was so bad even an hour from Beijing that we had to take all our pictures in the Pop Art setting so the pics didn’t look black and white. The climb was awesome, the decent was very difficult. I used the railing and did my best lady-like-climb-down-each-1.5-feet-stair move. We had some more pictures with the locals, Andy ate some meat on a stick then we were off.

Next was a stop at the Bird’s Nest and Ice Cube at the setting of the 2008 Olympics. It was cool to see, amazing architecture. Then we hit up the silk market (which sold everything). We had so much fun. Andy received two death threats from the sales girls. When you get death threats you know you got a good deal. He starts off charming them then goes in for the kill. One chick told him she was going to chop off his head after he bought a North Face backpack for $15. One gal told him he had hairy arms like a gorilla then continued to pull it from her amazement. She told him hair is difficult to keep clean- dirty hairy white boy. We walked past another sales girl and she said “you need underwear”. “I don’t wear underwear” Andy exclaimed. Word travels fast as another girl in another row of shops saw Andy walk by. “You don’t wear underwear!” she pointed a laughed. Silly white American. We were exhausted from the 100 degree temperature and constant arguing so we went with the group for a shitty Peking duck dinner. We have to get away from the group if we have any chance for good food. We saw an Ikea here, Walmart also broke the Chinese market.

No Google in China- WTF? 3/18/11

The dates of these blogs are messed up since I wasn't able to access the blog for two weeks.

I’m a new person. I slept off all the drugs I took to fall asleep during the flight and now I’m ready for some craziness. Yesterday we landed, it’s amazing how fast a flights is when you’re unconscious. We drive from the airport was interesting. Since they cut down trees during the cultural revolution in the 60s, the wind is very bad in Beijing. They have planted rows of trees everywhere. It’s dark and grey here, very desolate- reminds me of Pittsburgh hehe. It’s almost spring and the pollution blocks the sun. The few trees that have leaves are covered with dirt. It rarely rains since the Gobi Desert is nearby. We walked down a street full of food vendors on our way to the hotel. Lots of interesting food- scorpions, snakes, larvae. Too early for me to try it now since I can barely carry on a conversation. We ate some dinner at a restaurant with people who don’t eat meat- good luck starving here. Finally made it to the hotel which is BOMB! I can get used to this 5 star living. Passed out around 9 to get the drugs out of my system.

Sometime the following day...

I Ate Ass in China

This morning Andy was up at 4 and got me up at 5 so we decided to go swimming. Before the pool we needed to pay for the internet so Andy thought it was a good idea to walk down in our robes because “there’s no one awake at 530”. Yes there are. There we were, two Americans in our robes in the lobby standing in line. I couldn’t take it anymore so I hid behind a column as Andy with his hairy chest terrified all the Chinese customers. Jumped online and we can’t access Facebook or Blogspot since it’s a Google site. What the hell? I missed that memo! Oh well, I didn’t need to be online anyways. Swimming was awesome and so was breakfast in our fab hotel.

We first hit up Tiananmen Square which led to the Forbidden City. It was huge and amazing and

we walked around forever. I kept imagining the huge fight scenes in Chinese movies. Andy and I were both asked for pictures with the locals- reminiscent of India. Then we met up with Andy’s friend Nelson who’s been in Beijing for 5 years now. We finally caught a cab after an hour of available ones driving past us. The traffic is pretty nuts- whenever you have 20MM people in one city it’s going to be a little crazy. He took us to a nice area with shops and restaurants then we ate lunch on a rooftop. The meal was awesome! We had fried tofu with Sechuan spices (they numb your lips and have a citrus/peppery flavor), snow peas with bacon, fried rice, amaebi, duck, and of course some rice wine (Soju) and beers. The alcohol resulted in me having to use the restroom, the public restroom that is. It’s a squat-to and there’s no toilet paper. Luckily Andy found out about the toilet paper before he had an emergency.

Next was The Great Leap, a German microbrew that was delicious. The brewer was concerned when we showed up because he didn’t want to be in Lonely Planet. He was kind of a dick, but he had a Cleveland Indians t-shirt on so that explains it. We had a couple beers on the patio and went downtown. We walked around the trendy shops- one clothing store had kittens in the window. Along the way we saw a sign for donkey meat and you know Andy jumped on that. I took a bite to taste it. I’m not a huge red meat fan and ass didn’t taste better- donkey check. We stopped to have some cocktails and my jet lag got the best of me- I passed out at the table. Finally it was time to go. Andy finished my vodka drinks so he was good to go. He passed out in the taxi. I woke him up telling him the driving is passing our hotel (he passed the hotel with the same name but in a different location). Andy, not knowing what was going on, told the cab driver “our hotel our hotel!” pointing as we drove away. The driver yelled at him which made me crack up since I was just fucking with him. Then they argued over the fee. It’s not a trip unless Andy argues with a local.

So It Begins...

Day 1 of my sabbatical! I've been waiting for this day for the last 7 years.

We ate a wonderful meal last night in preparation for our trip. I'm not sure how much squirrel-shaped fish and other various meats I can eat so I partook in American-style gluttony.

Only had 3 hours of sleep last night. It works out well since I slept for the 2 hour flight to Vancouver and another 18 hour flight is on the way. Andy is already out of control. He's like a kid on Christmas. I can't take him anywhere. Airline agent: where are you going, Andy: China!, me: OK I'll take it from here. Reading this does not do the interaction justice.

I was trying to check my work emails (psycho I know) until I received a gracious email from Verizon telling me I'll be billed a shitload for all the data I'm about to download. That's enough for me to cut the work connection.

The first blog is short since when we land in Bejing it will be the next day. Peace out- see you on China time.